A friend observed that my post-surgery posts have a more vulnerable tone to those I made pre-surgery. She’s right, of course, although this was hard to hear because like most people, I associate vulnerability with weakness/not coping. I think they were like that because I was in shock and denial. Since reality has crashed in, I’ve felt way more exposed. But another friend told me “you are a wonderful example of Brene Brown’s “power of vulnerability” in action!” This encouraged me to revisit Brown’s TED talk (nearly 1.5m views), after which I felt better about my vulnerability which is just as well because I’ve been feeling it to the nth degree.

One reason for this is that medically, I’m at an impasse and who likes residing there? Up until now, most decisions relating to treatment have been easy to make and I’ve not regretted any of them. Because of the non-invasive nature of my cancer, and complications relating to reconstructions on radiated skin, follow up treatment (namely radiotherapy) typically does not occur for women with DCIS who’ve had mastectomies. But I believe in my case there are a number of factors which increase the risk of a recurrence and so radiotherapy would be worthwhile. The quality of resources you can find online are amazing (and shit scary) and my reading of them is there’s a 50% chance if my cancer were to return, it would be invasive. I don’t feel comfortable waiting around for that to happen, so I’ve got a referral to see a radiation oncologist and am going to state my case. Emphatically. And, of course, listen to what they have to say. For more about the medical side, you can read my post, and a dizzying array of jargon, in the world’s largest breast cancer forum.

So that’s the short answer as to why I’m not great company at the moment, and the one I share when people ask (with their head cocked to the side) ‘how are you?’ I so don’t want to invite people to take a look at the emotional debris. That landscape is just scary crazy right now. I am mad as a bloody cut snake. I feel so very angry for all the reasons cited here and I am deeply ashamed to admit I’ve been resentful of other’s health, too. How come that fat man’s okay and I’m not? How has my neighbour managed to get to twice my age with only minor problems? I’ve even double dipped into my own misery banks with thoughts like: How come not only do most of my peers enjoy good health, their parents do too? What a revolting behaviour, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t felt it often lately.

What’s more I’m totally inaccessible to fixers at the moment, which makes me even more difficult to be around. I am surrounded by, and yet wholly unreceptive to positive talk about the future, because all I can see is rubble. I badly feel the need to stand amongst this, and respect the extent of the devastation rather than be encouraged to survey the architect’s new drawings. That will come, I am sure, but right here and now, I need to, and fucking well deserve to grieve. I had cancer. I was amputated. It is a real loss.

But my present, cynical view of our ‘get well soon’ culture is that bad times don’t get given any airtime or oxygen. They are regarded as anomalies. I feel myself being chivvied back to ‘normal’, where life is sunny and optimistic and uncomplicated, and I don’t care for it. I do have ears, though, for people who’ve had cancer. Or a long spell in Miseryland. But really, I need to stay in the dark and carry my weight alone, and just be sad until further notice. My friend Sue describes it like this:

People want the Julia Roberts movie version of things. The plucky young woman, facing illness with wit and bravery, inspiring others along the way, looking beautiful if a little wan in cashmere whilst they do it and going onto write a bestselling book along the way. They want things to come of bad things in the instant. And I hope that movie happens for you. And it likely will, or at least part of it. But no-one wants to really take on board the bit that the movie skims over that involves long-shots of Julia struggling as the seasons change before finally she is running along the beach. That is not a movie people want to watch unless they are Swedish.

This brought a smile for many reasons, one of which was it brought to mind the Team America montage song:

Back in real time, I described how fearful I was of my emotional state to a friend who’s a counsellor. I am so worried that I’ll sink into a depressive state and drag my family with me and haven’t they been through enough? Catie assures me that grief is quite different to depression and I can expect my feelings to fade over time. In a message to thank her I said “I am still in the thick of it, but I can see a tiny light in the far off distance that I’m inching my way towards.”

That evening, serendipity struck when Sue’s quote of the day was:

There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light.

For the first time in many days I felt encouraged and not irritated by this kind of talk. The non-miserable part of me bubbles up and takes a fancy to this quote’s quiet, determined tone.

I don’t want to be shoved towards the light. But I will get there.

2 Comments on Real time melancholy

  1. Thank you Sam that’s all I can say. Thank you for your absolute and brutal honesty – it is a breathe of bloody reality in our little bubble up here!
    I look forward to catching up with you at some day to celebrate that life can be fucked!

  2. Many years ago – I went through something – nothing comparable to what you are going through.

    This is what my day was like.

    wake – go to gym (where no-one spoke to me) – come home – watch Rosie show at 10am – got to bed – cry until my belly hurt and then try to stop crying in case I hurt my unborn baby – then start crying again until 3pm when I would drag my self out of bed and watch the repeat of the Rosie show from the morning – then cook dinner – go to bed and repeat this cycle every day for months.

    If it had not been for the stupid Rose show I’m not sure what would have happened.

    Sam I hope you find your ‘Rosie’ show to anchor you through the day…